A Parents Daily Struggle

REALationship.com expert Diana Guintu

“What if she doesn’t finish school?” Her mom asked me. As her eyes welled up with tears, she whispered, “I just can’t handle it.”  There it was; the statement of truth.  Most parents go about their day with thoughts such as these:  “What if they don’t listen to the teacher?”  “What if I can’t control them at the restaurant?”  “What if they get into a fight?”  “What if they start using drugs?”  “What if they don’t get accepted into college?”  You get the picture.  From the moment we become parents, we start to worry about the “what ifs.”  We are so worried about the “what ifs” that we allow our fear to govern our actions.

Most of us can recall a time when we avoided an activity with our children due to the inability to handle the possible “what ifs” of a situation. We allowed our fear to overcome us.  In that same manner, we allow fear to influence our parenting style.  According to Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, the core of all our fears lies in the belief that we cannot handle it.  As a result, we avoid or deny ourselves of life’s gifts and opportunities.  We approach parenting with fear lurking in the background.  I know many of you may be shaking your head and saying “I’m not afraid”.  I really urge you to look deeper just for a moment.

Most of the parents I work with do not necessarily come into my office stating that they are afraid.  They seek services because somehow they have reached an impasse where their parenting tools are not working anymore. They find themselves overwhelmed and frustrated with the lack of order and harmony in their homes.  So many parents are isolated from extended family.  Some of them may be too embarrassed to reach out to friends or neighbors. As a result, they either release their frustrations by inappropriate parenting or choose to ignore the situation completely.

Being a good parent is not exactly the easiest job one can have.  Do you remember your life before you were a parent?  I certainly do.  I remember it was extremely easy for me to understand logical discipline, consistency, and staying in control, however, I realize now that, as a parent, we are not always going to be consistent, logical, or in control.  Nevertheless, we fall prey to society’s expectation of what a ‘good parent’ is. Therefore, we end up feeling like we are not good enough at this parenting thing.  It is that moment when the fear sets in, and we begin to ponder all the “what ifs.”

I have discovered that when parents take time to empower themselves, they become more effective.  Here are some ways for parents to empower themselves:

• Let go of outside expectations - Stop trying to impress or gain approval from outside sources on how good of a parent you are.  Look inward.
  
• Set up your own expectations - Spend some time visualizing what kind of a parent you want to be and what results you would like to achieve.
• Get out of your comfort zone - Try something new with your children.  Try a new way of handling conflict or a new way of entertainment with them.  Take a risk.
• Reach out for support - Ask a friend, teacher, or counselor for ideas and resources.  Most parents are just as overwhelmed and frustrated as you may be. Who knows?  You just may be helping them too!
  
• Make time for yourself - Exercise, alone time, couple time. Decompress your stress.

Remember children are very intuitive and perceptive and if they know that you are parenting with fear lurking behind you, they are going to react to it.

-By Diana Guintu, M.Ed., NCC, LPC