3 Biggest Communication Mistakes Couples Make

I could start by saying the three mistakes are: communication, communication, communication! But actually, it's more subtle than that. There is more than one way to communicate. You can communicate nonverbally, for example. You can also communicate by withholding information--a lack of communication. And finally, you can communicate by your attitude toward your partner.

1. Nonverbal communication. When your partner comes home, do you greet him or her with a hug and a kiss, or do you ignore them? When your partner brings up a beloved hobby or tells that joke again at a party, do you roll your eyes? Are your arms crossed defensively whenever your partner asks you a question? Do you wag your finger in his or her face when you want to make a point? Pay attention to your body language when you are with your partner. Try sitting calmly, hands open and apart on your lap, showing that you are ready to receive your partner's words. Refrain from making nonverbal "comments" with your facial expressions. Use a soft touch to get your partner's attention instead of a hasty, "Hey, you!" It may take time for your partner to notice a change, but soon he or she will begin responding differently to you, too. You may even realize that you love each other more than you thought.

2. Withholding information. Everyone is entitled to privacy, but failure to disclose important information is unfair. A good relationship can withstand honesty. Did you forget to pay the property taxes and fail to tell your spouse? Did you say yes to a beer and poker night without letting your partner know until 15 minutes before you were ready to walk out the door for the evening? Or, are there more important things that you haven't shared, things that might help your partner understand you better? Disappointments, losses, and failures are all part of who you are. When you leave your partner guessing why you're moody or quiet, your partner begins to blame him- or herself. At the very least, let your partner know that you have some private difficulties that you are struggling with, and that they are not to blame. Large or small, communicating about things about you that affect your partner's own well-being is important for a good relationship.

3. Attitude. Do you approach your partner with his or her best interests at heart? Sometimes partners become unwitting enemies. They expect their partner to be hurtful, and they in turn become defensive and unloving. When you believe that your partner is your friend, it is much easier to communicate without tension, or resolve conflicts without destructive arguing. Having a warm, receptive attitude toward your partner, showing your best side, and expecting your partner to treat you the same will go a long way toward creating an atmosphere of intimacy, where honest communication can take place.

These mistakes that couples make--using hostile nonverbal communication, withholding information, and having an attitude of expecting the worst--are sometimes difficult to recognize. Choose one area to pay attention to. Notice what triggers negative actions or thoughts. Then do your best to behave in a way that makes you feel better about yourself and your partner. Changing subtle problems like this can be difficult, but the payoff will make it well worth the effort.

Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a psychologist and Director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA where she provides sex therapy for men, women, and couples. To read her blog and sign up for her ezine on improving intimate relationships in and out of the bedroom, visit http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com