Did I Cause Him to Break Up with Me?

Q: Denise (from anonymous):

How do you know when someone wants to break up with you? How do you break up so you understand what happened? I recently went through a painful breakup with a man I had been involved with for eight months. I thought we were doing fine until towards the end he started to distance himself and finally told me after my questioning his behavior that he did not love me but did not want to break up. He thought we might continue and see if his feelings changed. I didn't think that would work for me, and I told him I thought he wanted me to initiate the break up. The next day he told me it was over. Did I jump too soon? Should I have asked him some more questions?

A: REALationship.com Expert Team

Denise, I am sorry you got hurt. Perhaps getting more information on break ups will help you heal and move on.

When people are thinking about breaking up with their partner they usually do one or more of the following:

• Distancing
• Criticizing
• Being busy
• Acting withdrawn or uninterested when together
• Losing interest in physical intimacy
• Not doing the little caring things that were done before
• Lying
• Disappearing with no explanation
• Etc.

However, be careful not to read too much into this behavior - any of the above actions could just as easily mean the person is temporarily angry or frustrated or stressed, as opposed to thinking about breaking up.

It sounds like the man you were dating could have been thinking about breaking up with you, or could have been wondering why he didn't feel more connected to you. Either way, though, you have to know that one conversation with you would not have pushed him over the edge into wanting to break up - you did not cause the breakup by talking to him!

Asking more questions is always a good idea in a relationship, especially in situations where there is conflict. Questions such as why he feels this way, and if there is anything you have done or not done to cause his feelings, are great for getting information.

Next time you are dating someone and he starts to pull away, you will want to get to the bottom of why the distancing is happening. Usually there is either a failure to connect or an accumulation of baggage in the relationship that is the problem. A relationship can often be saved if the two people can successfully find a way to connect and deal with the baggage between them.

The trick to a successful, life long relationship is to work on it, actively, before there is any sign of trouble. Doing fine when it comes to a relationship is a sure road to a breakup. Your relationship must be better than fine and if it's not, you and your partner need to take the time to find out why and make it the relationship you both have always wanted.

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